Negotiating and the Marshmallow Study

We seldom get things completely the way we want in dealing with other people.
We need to negotiate, give some to get some, reach a solution both sides can live with.
You would think that when we ask things of ourselves, we could get anything we want, but actually we negotiate with ourselves all the time.
I want that fancier car! Yeah.
But the money you save on the cheaper one will help pay for little Johnny’s college education.
But he’s only two years old! I can get to that later.
Yeah, well, if you start saving very early, it is less painful when spread over a long time.
Sigh.
Much more commonly, we bargain with ourselves about whether to eat that dessert, take that walk, use that gym membership, pass on that extra beer, smoke that cigarette and on and on.
We rationalize ‰ÛÒ think up seemingly great reasons why we should do the thing we want instead of what we know is best. Rationalizations sound good to us because we are very biased in our own favor and influenced by the part of our brain that is less logical, more emotional and greedy.
Over fifty years ago, psychologists at Stanford University conducted a famous and unique experiment involving children aged three to six. It came to be called The Marshmallow Study. They had each child sit in a small plain room at a table. A hidden video camera recorded all of their reactions. A researcher would come in and place one marshmallow or cookie on a small plate in front of the child and would tell the child he or she could eat it right away, but if they waited twenty minutes (an eternity for very young child), they would get two marshmallows or cookies to eat.
Some children ate the treat as soon as the researcher left, but about one third waited, often in hilarious agony until they got the second treat (watch the video on YouTube, touching and funny). The researchers
followed up on the children for up to twenty years after and found that those who
had waited were healthier, happier and
more successful than those who could not wait.
They also found that, for the children with no patience, they could teach them how to wait to get more.
They thus showed the enormous advantage of being able to delay current gratification for future reward.
It is the battle we all fight with ourselves. The more successful we are in delaying instant gratification and knowing when it is worthwhile to do so, the better off we are.
Doctors have an easy time telling you when it is worth doing something you would prefer not to do, but they have the enormous advantage of knowing what will likely happen to you if you do not do it, based on scientific evidence and experience. They might have the same struggle in making their own decisions, for the same reasons as you, but they can be objective about
you.
It is your life to live and choose! Doctors are your expert advisers, but they do not want to live your life for you. Only you can do that.
Part of the problem is that logic and resolve last only a short time, whereas temptation lasts almost forever and lots of things have undue influence on us, such as stress, manipulations from advertising and marketing, social pressures and much, much more.
In addition, as psychologist Dan Ariely puts it, we are ‘Predictably Irrational.’ Most economists assume that people act logically in their own best interest, but, in reality, as behavioral psychologists have clearly shown, we all are greatly influenced by hidden instincts that often are very illogical.
Fortunately, it is not hopeless. The young, impatient children could learn to do better. Millions of people have successfully thwarted their negative inclinations and become non-smokers again, achieved a healthy weight, overcome their drinking and drug problems and much else.
The secret to success? Sounds surprisingly simple: You have to passionately want the goal for yourself so strongly that nothing will keep you from reaching your promised land. You will need to understand the problem well and have a good plan (both of which you might need some advice for) and an equally passionate commitment to keep going until you succeed.
Can you do it?
Of course you can ‰ÛÒ you are the absolute ruler of you!
Will you do it? That’s entirely up to you.
Good luck!